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Q&A Again

Once again my mail bag has been emptied, and my research teams have scoured the world, and I am ready to bring you this: more insightful answers to your urgent and pressing questions.

Q: Paul, the dinosaurs were the largest and most terrifying beasts ever to walk the Earth. If you had to fight one of them, which one would you fight?

A: That would have to be the Tyrannosaurus Rex. The Tyrannosaurus Rex was the king of the lizards, but he had those little tiny helpless arms. Sissy arms, I say. I know I'm not a very tough guy, but I think I could take on sissy Tyrannosaurus Rex and his wimpy arms... as long as it was strictly an arm fight, that is.

But is that what this is? An arm fight now? Why can't me and the Tyrannosaurus Rex be friends? You people are vultures!

Q: Paul, should you pick the mushrooms off your pizza and throw them away?

A: No! You know, little kids in the third world don't even have mushrooms on their pizza... they just have plain pizza! They wish they could have mushrooms!

And little kids in the third world don't get two for one pizza, they just get one... and if it's twenty minutes late they don't get it free.

So next time you sit down to a pizza and coke, don't pick off those mushrooms... because somewhere in the third world there's a little kid who's eating a plain cheese pizza and trying to choke it down with Cragmont Cola.

Q: The guys from N Sync are popular musical performers...

A: Yes, they certainly are!

Q: Uh, yeah... well, anyway, what could they do to make their show even more enjoyable?

A: I'll tell you about those guys from N Sync... they move their hands around a lot. You know, each one leans against the wall until it's his turn to sing, then he steps forward and sings, I want youuu back doo dee doo doo doo... and he moves his hands around, like a puppet show. Only where's the puppets? They don't have the puppets. It's just a puppet show with no puppets and some guys leaning against a brick wall.

But kids these days go crazy for the N Sync and that's why I say we need to round up everybody under twenty-two and send them away to a desert somewhere to build some kind of monument or something. Only don't look at me! I don't want to be in charge! I don't like dealing with those young punks, even as slaves!

Q: Paul, how could the Home and Garden Network be improved?

A: More power tool accidents.

Q: Paul, how can I save money?

A: Well, you could buy all the food you're going to eat in your lifetime at once, because then you'd have bargaining power. Think of the deals you'd get! But, you'd probably start nibbling at the extra food, and pretty soon thirty years would be up and you'd have eaten all the food, and then you'd be hungry.

Instead, take the bus.

Q: Paul, how are you going to make a million dollars?

A: My invention: a phone that doesn't make that annoying "ringing" sound.

Q: Paul, do you think Marlon Brando is still hanging onto all the old clothes he used to wear, back when he was skinny, in the hopes that he'll some day fit into them again?

A: Perhaps... hmmm, yes, perhaps... it certainly is something to ponder!

Q: Paul, have you ever noticed that the more rich and successful a band gets the crappier their clothes are? Like, a new band just starting out might wear suits and ties, while millionaires like U2 have to dress like Estonian nightclub owners.

A: Yes, but at least U2 has puppets! Well, they don't, but the puppets are in their music. You have to read between the lines for the puppets. And that's why people like U2: subtle musical puppetry.

But here's something to think about: a Tyranosaurus probably couldn't even do puppetry, because he has those skinny arms!