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Q&A

I've written a bunch of these "questions and answers"-type columns and, let's face it: the format's just a cheap pretense which allows me to throw together a bunch of unrelated bits. Well, I've got a bunch of unrelated bits... so I guess that means it's time for yet another questions and answers column!

(Oh, by the way: since we agree the format's basically a sham, I haven't bothered to match the questions to the comedy bits which they supposedly prompt. I hope that's ok. Anyway, enjoy!)

Q: Say Paul, what are some good ways to save money around the house?

A: I think a good show to have on TV would be the Bruce Cockburn Comedy Hour. Bruce could come on and sing a song about human rights abuses in Central America, and then talk about how the rain forest is receding at a million hectares a day and how the world's going to become uninhabitable if somebody doesn't do something real soon. Then he could bring on the Bruce Cockburn comedy players and they could do some comedy skits.

On second thought, maybe it should just be the Bruce Cockburn Comedy Half-hour.

Q: Paul, how has the reform of state monopolies changed the telecommunications industry in Africa?

A: You know, if you're the guy in charge of conducting a witchunt, I bet the hardest thing to do is to effectively hunt those witches without letting things get out of hand. Because, hey, we don't want this witchunt to turn into a witchunt.

Q: Paul, whither Poland?

A: Some day I bet Microsoft will sue construction companies for using the term "windows," and people will be forced to look through "glass-based viewing portals."

Also, some day in the future, you'll be able to control every aspect of your home using your computer. Turning on the heat, operating the lights, even opening and closing the windows -- all this will be done via your PC. When that day comes there'll be a box you'll buy that'll actually be a windows/windows interface, and you'll use it to hook your windows up to windows (assuming your windows are windows-compatible).

Q: How did the emerging merchant class affect the literature of the renaissance?

A: You know how if you owe too many people too much money you can declare bankruptcy, and then you don't have to pay anyone back? I think they need to make a law so that if you've got too many messages from too many people on your answering machine you can declare phone bankruptcy and not have to return any calls.

Q: Paul, what are some "traveler's tips" for people planning on backpacking through southeast Asia?

A: You know what's ironic? Parker Brothers, the game company? They have a monopoly on Monopoly.

Q: What are the similarities and differences between bat sonar and whale sonar?

A: Sometimes when I'm watching A&E and a bunch of world war two guys are pinned down in a foxhole, I kind of wish the world war two guys from the History Channel would hop a few channels down and save them.

Q: Paul, the Papacy has faced many crises and dilemmas in the modern world. How has the institution re-invented itself in response to these challenges?

A: I wonder if a lot of people who like S&M also like M&M's.